This week, I decided on writing a little about decisions. Connecting that subject to me, I am horrible with making decisions. Actually, it was difficult to make the decision to write about this. As an artist, I also have trouble deciding what and what not to do. When I am creating a piece, I worry about doing something I don’t like and not being able to undo my mistake. As an artist, this stops me from making those happy mistakes and trying new things. Even though I am not good at making decisions, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to… I actually really want to be able to do something and be sure of it, and have no regrets, but for obvious reasons, that doesn’t work out.
Some people are able to do whatever they want and not be afraid of mistakes, on the other hand, there is me who worries about every little thing that they do. Personally, I think its worrying also about being perfect. I sometimes stay safe so I don’t go over my boundaries and make that ‘mistake’ that worries me so much. The struggle with this is how I want to be able to make those mistakes and find out what I can do, and how it may change my ways slightly, which should be a good thing! But knowing that I may make that ‘mistake’, I will have to start all over again.
I just sometimes want to be able to feel free with making all the decisions I want. I don’t know where to start and it makes it so difficult to end. I have different ways to handle things and deciding on what and what not to do, but I sometimes just contemplate about what to do and I end up doing nothing. That really stops me as an artist and even my every day things.
Sometimes in every day things I have trouble making decisions. Even the most simple decisions, such as a color to something. I will take a while to decide which color, because for some reason my mind thinks that that color of whatever object will affect my daily life, meanwhile it will probably affect nothing but the color of the object.
I’m not exactly sure why I can never make that decision… I’m not sure why it matters so much to me. No matter what it is, it affects me so much and I have to think, think, and think to make that decision. It just takes me so long to make that decision. Sometimes, I even need to ask for other people’s opinions to be sure of my own because I can relate to other people. This has always been a mystery to me why this happens to me, but it just makes me anxious to make that decision. It’s just something I’m not good at mastering, and I never have been good at and probably never will be good at.
I decided to write about this because it’s always bugging me… And it also took me a while to decide on wither to do it or not to write about this… And knowing that I had to make a decision to make this, it interested me.
One little thing that also comes to mind, is that I make decisions a lot. Even little ones such as deciding to text or call someone, deciding what to wear, deciding where to walk, and even deciding what to say. Simple things such as that where as it is not so difficult and I can sometimes be able to do so on my own. This was interesting to me because maybe, I’m not so bad at making decisions, it’s just maybe some seem to matter more than others.